


Farewell My Love

by solemnwar



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, BUCKETS OF ANGST, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, So much angst, a little bit, fallout 4 ending spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 05:27:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6457648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solemnwar/pseuds/solemnwar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't play all sides forever, and eventually a choice needs to be made. Valerie made hers, but can she survive the cost?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Farewell My Love

**Author's Note:**

> _I've been thinking 'bout the good times_   
>  _And I've cried a lake of tears_   
>  _If losing you is just a nightmare_   
>  _I hope I wake up by your side_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  _Farewell my love_  
>  _Forgive the things I've done to you_  
>  _May your days be warm and bright_  
>  _May your journey lead you to the light_  
>  Farewell My Love, Lunatica

          "Danse, please talk to me," Valerie said softly to the back of a walking tank. Silence, of course, was her only answer. Had been for the past couple of months. Ever since the Prydwen had become a flaming wreck on the shore, and the Brotherhood of Steel with it.

          She understood that he would be hurting, despite it all. No matter that he was a synth and there were orders to kill him on sight, that the very place he dedicated his life to wanted him eradicated with blind prejudice, it was still his family, his home... and it was all gone now. Everyone who knew, dead.

          It had hurt her, too. All those people she'd gotten to know and trust and help over the last year, all the stories she took part in and furthered, all the laughter and heart-racing thrills of battle and anger and sadness, _everything_. Those stories had ended in bullets and fire. Haylen had been the worst. Valerie didn't even know what she'd been _doing_ at the Boston Airport base, but she'd been there, and the looking of pain, betrayal, and rage on her face...

          Valerie closed her eyes, pressing her lips together as she fought for composure. _I am not nearly as well put together as people think I am._ "Danse..." she whispered.

          How he'd found out before she'd gotten to him, she didn't know. Obviously the news had carried faster than she could travel and some settler or trader or other had brought the news all the way to Sanctuary, where she'd been hiding Danse from the murderous eyes of the Brotherhood.

          Without a word, he'd left and returned to his little hidey-hole at Listening Post Bravo. By the time she’d gotten to Sanctuary, he’d been long gone. She’d wanted to break the news herself, to explain, but she’d been thwarted.

          _This is what you get for trying to play all the sides, Valerie_ , she thought darkly. _Eventually you were going to have to make a choice and hurt people, but you kept putting it off, putting it off... and now it hurts even worse._

          She’d gone to find him, searching the settlements, asking everyone she came across if they’d seen him. No one had. Hancock and Preston, bless them, used their own networks in an attempt to find him, and eventually one of the Minutemen reported that he’d seen a lone Brotherhood of Steel member making his way to the Listening Post.

          Valerie ran the moment she heard the news, not even taking the time to grab someone to bring along. Best to be alone anyways, right? It was sure to be a harrowing experience, for both of them. But she could work it out, right? She always could, and this wouldn’t be any different... right?

          Oh, how wrong she was. Some things were constants, and for Danse that was his rigid, unyielding belief in the Brotherhood. Even though they wanted him dead, and that his past was a lie, and he was the very thing he hated... the Brotherhood was still his family.

          And she’d killed them all, every man, woman, and child. She tried desperately hard to not think about the children.

          She’d gone down the elevator, and found him wandering aimlessly around the cramped, closed space of the underground post. He’d made no sign that he’d heard her, save a slight pause in his step before resuming his pacing.

          “Hey, Paladin Danse,” she’d called out to him, and had gotten silence in reply. _Okay, the silent treatment, but he can’t keep that up forever, surely?_ “Hey, look at me, why dontcha? It’s rude to ignore a lady, y’know!” Trying for levity, incredibly inappropriate, but sometimes that got his attention and even got a laugh when she was audacious enough. But not this time; even if she circled in front of him, he’d just turned his back on her and walked away.

          “Danse?” She’d tried circling in front again, to the same response. Her chest had tightened, could feel a tremor in her hands. “Come on, talk to me. I know... I know you must be hurting.” Nothing. “I know you must... must be so angry. So hurt. But I didn’t have a _choice_ , Danse. You know as well as I do that there was no hope of reconciliation between the Railroad and the Brotherhood.”

          He might have stiffened slightly, it was hard to tell under all that armour, but that was the only reaction he gave.

          “I wish I could have made them get along,” she’d continued. “The Brotherhood had the chance to do some _good_ here, with their advanced technology and firepower. But they only wanted to destroy the synths. How could I let them do that? To Nick? To Curie? To Glory?” She’d paused. “To you?”

          But she was only met with silence.

          She’d tried for a few more minutes to get him to say something, _anything_ , to her, but it was absolutely futile. Dejected and worn, she’d gone back to the elevator, saying she’d be back soon and perhaps they could have their conversation then.

          Once or twice every week since, she’d detour from her travels to visit the little Listening Post, leaving whomever was with her up top while she descended to Danse’s little tomb. Each time, she’d attempt to explain herself, try to get him to talk to her, and each time she’d ascend with a little bit less of herself intact.

          This time was looking to be the same. She looked down at her feet, at the scuffed boots she’d found in a bombed-out department store. She was pretty sure they were the ones she’d found while hauling Danse in tow, before his entire life got pulled out from under him. He’d complimented their fine make. “Please, Danse, _please_ talk to me... I can’t take this much longer,” she pleaded. “It’s not the same at Sanctuary, without you there. It feels _emptier_ , like there’s a piece missing.” Reaching out she touched the arm of his power armour, feeling the cold, hard metal underneath her fingertips for a few seconds before he paced away.

          She could feel her eyes burning. _Don’t cry, don’t you FUCKING dare cry,_ the harsh voice in her mind chastised her. Crying was weakness, one she couldn’t afford. Even after losing her husband and child, that voice had allowed her only a few minutes before telling her to get over it and get moving, she had a lot of shit to do and it wasn’t gonna get done bawling her eyes out. But, oh, she was so close to it now, with her chest and throat aching with the buried emotions trying to well up and burst through her barricades.

          “Danse, please, I miss you so much,” she whispered. Where logic failed, perhaps emotion would win. “Your leaving has left a hole in my heart—”

          “I’m sure the other people in it can fill it easily enough,” came the curt, clipped reply.

          Her eyes widened in shock. _Seriously? Of all the things to suddenly come out with, it’s that?_ Had been her incredulous thought. There was also pain. He’d been the last confession of hers, her last lovely darling that she couldn’t imagine a life without. He’d also been the hardest to convince that while she may love everyone differently, she loved them all equally and her heart had ample enough room to love them all, and a life without even one of them was a life of suffering. But he’d eventually come around, even made a little joke that he could take breaks from her every once and a while (a very shocking joke, to come from _him_ , the uptight guy), and she’d thought that everything was fine.

          Clearly not.

          “What?” She said, breathless, unable to form words from the emotional hurt of that one barbed sentence. “Danse...”

          “Just drop it, Valerie,” he said harshly, still not turning to look at her. “Enough with your poison. Go back up there to your hedonistic, savage life and stop pretending.”

          “Poison...? _Pretending?_ What am I _pretending—_ ”

          “Stop playing stupid. You played everyone for a fool, didn’t you? Being everyone’s friend. Doing tasks for them. Retrieving Doctor Li and rebuilding Liberty Prime.” His voice was so harsh, it was like barbs being drawn across flesh, digging and tearing and she couldn’t find the words to stop him. “But you didn’t _really_ care, did you? How easy it was, to just burn everything to the ground, to kill everyone.”

          “Danse—”

          “There were _children_ on board, Valerie!” He shouted, slamming his fist on one of the useless consoles, the sharp reverberations echoing in the enclosed space. “Did you give no thought to _them_ before you set the Prydwen alight? Did you give no thought to any of the people aboard? Just _waltz in_ and kill everyone and leisurely make your way back and expect me to just _accept it?_ ”

          “Danse, I couldn’t _make them see_ , they refused to understand—”

          “ _Shut up,_ ” he roared, spinning around with surprising quickness, the look on his face so murderous that Valerie felt her blood run cold. She’d never been scared of Danse. Even at his worst, he was too kind at his core to be scary. Now, though... now he looked like he was on the verge of killing her. “Look at you. Not even a single tear,” he snarled. “And you expect me to believe you feel anything about your _murders_? You don’t _care_ , you don’t care about _anything_ except your own satisfaction.”

          _Crack goes the heart..._ “Danse, that’s not true... I care _so much_ and it _hurts_  to make these choices. I didn’t _want_ to make these choices... I wanted everyone to come to an understanding, to unite the factions and together we could turn this wasteland into a place worth _living in_ ,” she whispered. “But I couldn’t. _I couldn’t._ And I couldn’t just let the Institute and the Brotherhood destroy everything I held dear. I had to _kill my own son,_ Danse! All to keep the people I love safe. To keep _you_ safe. Please understand. There is no lie that I love you—”

          “ _No you don’t,_ ” he snapped. “You like what I can do for you, what I can give to you. There is no love in that venomous heart of yours, except to yourself.” She stared at him, eyes wide and even that harsh voice in her mind unable to stop them from glistening with unshed tears. “Let me make this clear: _I hate you_. Leave, and don’t come back. This is your only warning. If you come back here, I’ll avenge the Brotherhood myself.”

          She stood, rooted to the spot, staring as he turned and stomped into the natural cave time and devastation had opened into the walls of the listening post. _Hate me? Danse? Surely this is a nightmare. Please wake up._

          In a trance, she’d shuffled to the elevator and rode numbly back to the surface, wobbling as she stepped out, and perhaps would have fallen if Hancock hadn’t caught her first. She wasn’t sure what sort of expression she was wearing, but it was enough that Hancock seemed to understand that _things hadn’t gone well_.

          “Hey, sister, you’re not looking too hot,” he said gently, leading her out the entrance. “Let’s get you somewhere to calm down. Where do you wanna go? Back to Sanctuary?”

          She shook her head numbly. It felt like her head was stuffed with cotton balls and there was a dull, creeping roar looming threateningly in the back of her mind. “Nnn. Need... alone...”

          “Okay, okay, let’s get you to Goodneighbour. I can get you nice and solitary, and everyone has to listen to me when I tell them to fuck off, right? Perks of being the mayor and all...”

          It took a few hours to reach Goodneighbour, and in the process Valerie felt herself growing increasingly numb and cold, leaning into Hancock as he gently led her along, chatting quietly with words she didn’t really hear, but gave her something to hold on to. At some point they made it to the old statehouse, and Hancock brought her up to his room and kicked everyone on the floor out with orders not to let anyone up, and shut the doors.

          He guided her to the centre of the room, where the couches were located, but she didn’t want to sit, instead steadying herself by gripping on the back of a chair someone had put there. Maybe it had been her, she didn’t really remember.

          “Maybe I should get a drink in you...” Hancock murmured, turning to fetch an appropriate bottle of alcohol.

          As he was sifting through the bottles, he heard a slight _crack_ and turned, and was shocked by what he saw. Valerie had always been incredibly composed, letting only very mild hints at negative emotions through. Joy was always full heartedly expressed, but sadness and anger were tightly lidded, boiling away under the surface until it calmed on its own or some mind-altering substance was taken.

          Now, however, her face was contorted with absolute, miserable pain, her jaw clenching so tightly that he realised the crack he had heard had been _one of her own teeth breaking_ from the force of her jaw. Her mouth was twisted back in a hideous grimace and eyes that normally looked so soft were brittle and hard with emotions long denied seeking to break out.

          She said something through clenched teeth. Hancock was almost afraid to ask. “What was that, Sunshine?” He asked gently.

          “He... _hates..._ me.” The words were dry and raspy, like charcoal from a fire dragged across rough pavement. Large tears leaked from her eyes as her body started shaking under the emotional stress. “Danse... _hates me_.” A choked, harsh sob, and her knees buckled and she crashed to the floor before Hancock could reach her.

          Hancock had heard a lot of screams in his time. Screams of rage, screams of fear, screams of pain. Quite a lot of pain. Getting stabbed and skewered, getting shot and exploded, the horrifying screams that abruptly cut off as they disintegrated to ash or gooified into a horrific puddle of nuclear waste. Not one of them sounded as pained as the one that Valerie let loose.

          Mere sobs could not express her heart breaking, no simple tears could soothe that pain. Her hands dug into her hair, pulling painfully at the scalp as she screamed again, unable to cope. The harsh voice in her mind was obliterated by the throat-tearing howls of anguish and tears massed down her face and dripped on the floor as Hancock quickly knelt beside her and pulled her into his arms, holding her close.

          He didn’t bother trying to soothe her. This sort of pain wouldn’t be quelled by a patronising “there, there” or “it’s alright”. He just concentrated on holding her tightly, because he didn’t trust her not to do something incredibly stupid right now, resting his head on hers. _She’s such a big personality I forget how small she is sometimes..._

          Someone opened the door in response to the screaming, but one look from Hancock had them closing the door and beating a hasty retreat. Whatever was happening, the boss didn’t want them to know about it, and no one was gonna cross the boss.

          Eventually her throat gave out and she collapsed into his chest, whimpering broken occasionally by large, racking sobs. The front of his coat was probably a soggy, snotty mess, but that hardly mattered. Clothes could be cleaned, hearts were a lot more difficult to mend.

          Rubbing her back, he asked quietly, “D’you want that drink now?” She shook her head, gripping at the fabric of his jacket tightly as if terrified he’d leave. As if he ever would. “Alright. I’ll stay right here. You just let me know if you need anything, and I’ll get it. You’re in good hands here.”

          Something muffled against his shirt. “Say that again, Sunshine?”

          “Nngh...” she sniffled, then coughed, which earned more whimpers. _She’s probably torn up her throat pretty bad_ , thought Hancock. “Want...” He couldn’t hear the rest under the broken rasping of her voice.

          “Want what, beautiful?”

          She lifted up, pressing her lips against his neck and he went utterly still. _Hold on there now..._ He felt her tongue dart out, tasting his skin as her hands somewhat awkwardly tried to push his jacket off his shoulders. “Oh, no, nononononono, this is _not_ happening right now,” he said firmly, pushing her back an inch. “Not while you’re in this state.”

          “Why not?” She demanded in a raspy whisper, finally looking up at him. _She looks awful._ Her skin was blotchy and her eyes were redder than a junkie after a hit, and tears and snot were smeared across her face. “You’re always up for it, why not now? Do you hate me too?”

          Flabbergasted, he stared at her with his mouth open. _I will never understand this woman’s mind. Or maybe she’s gone completely unhinged._ “Of _course_ not!”

          “Then why not?!”

          “Listen, Valerie, love, any other time I would _love_ to take your right here and now on this floor,” he said. “But right now, it ain’t gonna be good for either of us. You’re too raw. And you probably broke one of your teeth.” _Damn, we really need a doctor here..._ “You need some rest and time for this, alright?”

          She slumped into him, defeated. “It... _hurts_...” she whispered brokenly, fresh tears slowly dripping down her cheeks. “H-he _hates_ me... wants t-to _kill me_... I just... wanted... e-everyone t-to be _safe_. I didn’t w-want him to _d-die_... b-but I’ve lost him anyways...”

          Gently rocking her back and forth through another wave of hoarse sobs, he held her close again, stroking her hair. Seeing her like this made his chest ache, hurt him deep. He would give everything he had to take this pain from her, but in this instance he was absolutely helpless. _If I ever see that sonuvabitch I am going to kill him..._

          Eventually the sobs quieted down again, Valerie curling into him. Her eyes were closed, and she might even have been asleep. Very gently he lifted her, like a tiny kitten in his arms, and slowly carried her over to the couch and lay her down with him, pressing a light kiss to the top of her head.

          “I’m here for the long haul, Sunshine,” he whispered quietly into her ear. “So’s everyone else. We’re all here for you, I promise.”

          Valerie, not quite asleep, wasn’t sure if she really believed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Ow. Ow. Ow. My heart. I hurt it again. You'd think I would've learned after _A Beautiful Lie_ but apparently I'm stupid hahahahaha  
>  (Quiet sobbing).
> 
> I'm so sorry, my beautiful mess of a character. You should be like the character you're based on and not form ANY CLOSE EMOTIONAL BONDS WITH ANYONE. Then you'd avoid this shit!
> 
> Now pardon me while I die inside.


End file.
